If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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