So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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