I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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