i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
