It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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