also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
