Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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