i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
