Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
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One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
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Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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