i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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