They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
