I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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