i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
