Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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