Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
