for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
