Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
