i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
