i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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