just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
