Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
