Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
