I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
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Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
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I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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