i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
