Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
