I heard we made out
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
