And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
