We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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