Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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