I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
