I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
