so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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