There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
