I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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