Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
