If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
