I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
