Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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