We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
