I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
