I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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