Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
it's like heaven, but drunker
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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