Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
ttyl tear gas
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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