the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
