omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
