he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
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I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
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YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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