Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
