i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
