if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
