I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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