New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
