who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
