I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
