I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
