It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
