I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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