i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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