I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
